Florida Bear Hunt Hits Midpoint, State Says “Trust Us, It’s Fine”

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Florida Bear Hunt Hits Midpoint, State Says “Trust Us, It’s Fine” 🐻🤐

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida’s long-awaited, highly controversial, and mysteriously opaque black bear hunt is officially halfway over, and state wildlife officials are proud to announce they still will not tell the public how many bears are dead. Transparency, after all, is exhausting.

The hunt — Florida’s first statewide bear hunt in nearly a decade — began earlier this month and will continue through the end of December, or until officials decide enough bears have been turned into rugs, trophies, or freezer curiosities. How many is “enough”? Great question. Unfortunately, that information is currently filed under Classified: Don’t Worry About It.

🐾 Kill Count: A Surprise for Later!

Unlike the infamous 2015 bear hunt, which ended in public outrage after 304 bears were killed in less than two days (oops), this year’s hunt uses a modern, streamlined honor system. Hunters simply call in and report their kills by phone — because nothing screams scientific wildlife management like “Yeah, trust the guy with the rifle.”

Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) officials say they’ll release the kill numbers after the hunt ends, presumably once emotions cool and bears are no longer available to count themselves.

Asked why real-time data isn’t available, officials explained that releasing numbers during the hunt might cause… something. Panic? Math? Accountability? They did not specify.

🎟️ Limited Permits, Unlimited Curiosity

The state issued 172 permits, each allowing the killing of one bear. In theory, that caps the hunt. In practice, no one outside FWC currently knows how close hunters are to that limit — or if they’ve already blown past it while everyone politely pretends not to notice.

Conservation groups, journalists, and concerned residents have requested updates, only to be reminded that Florida has a perfectly good public records process, which may or may not deliver answers sometime between now and the next ice age.

🔬 “Science-Based,” But Please Don’t Ask for the Science

FWC insists the hunt is rooted in solid science, using population estimates that critics say are outdated or incomplete. Supporters argue the hunt reduces human-bear conflicts, while opponents counter that trash cans and bird feeders remain the real apex predators in this story.

Meanwhile, wildlife advocates worry that without public check stations or live data, there’s no way to independently verify how many bears have been killed — or where.

FWC reassured Floridians that everything is under control, a phrase historically known to inspire great confidence right before things are absolutely not under control.

🏛️ A Constitutional Right, Apparently

Supporters of the hunt also point to Florida’s recently approved constitutional amendment protecting the right to hunt and fish, which critics note does not explicitly include the right to keep everyone in the dark while doing it.

Still, officials say the hunt is lawful, regulated, and responsibly managed — and that Floridians will simply have to wait until the end to find out how many bears paid the ultimate price for transparency fatigue.

🐻 Final Tally Coming Soon™️

Until then, the bears are hunted, the phones are ringing, and the public is encouraged to remain calm, respectful, and blissfully uninformed.

After all, surprises are fun. Especially when they involve dead wildlife.