Commissioners Heroically Approve Isles of Capri Development, Finally End Island's Long Reign of Peace and Quiet

ISLES OF CAPRI.

In a bold and fearless move to stand up to the oppressive tranquility and suffocating charm of the Isles of Capri, Collier County commissioners have unanimously approved a new high-rise condo development, proving once and for all that no picturesque waterfront village is safe from the relentless march of “progress.”

The mixed-use project — featuring 80 "absolutely necessary" luxury condos, a 200-seat restaurant for tourists to loudly mispronounce “grouper,” and a towering marina complex large enough to store Poseidon’s fleet — has been hailed by developers as “visionary,” “modern,” and “only a little taller than anything else on the island by about 100 feet.”

“It’s time to bring Capri into the 21st century,” said one commissioner, while staring solemnly at a rendering of a sleek concrete monolith surrounded by crushed dreams and valet parking. “What this quaint fishing village needs is more glass, more steel, and significantly more valet.”

The meeting lasted several hours, mostly because a parade of concerned residents brought PowerPoint presentations, emotional testimonies, and one hand-painted sign reading “More Boats, More Problems.” But in a stunning act of courage, the commissioners nodded politely, waited for everyone to finish, and then passed the motion without breaking eye contact with their campaign donors.

Residents were understandably devastated.

“This is a slap in the face to everyone who moved here specifically to watch pelicans dive in peace and complain about Publix parking,” said local homeowner Cheryl T. “We don’t want high-rises, we want high standards. And also, we want things to stay exactly the way they were when we bought in 1987.”

To sweeten the deal (and quiet the peasant mob), the developer agreed to a number of generous concessions:

• Lowering the building height to 122 feet, which is practically invisible from space

• Donating $400,000 to an affordable housing fund, to help people live somewhere not Capri

• Building two culverts to improve water quality, presumably so residents can clearly see the tears of manatees floating by

“This is a win-win,” said a spokesperson for the developer, while standing next to a model of the complex that was somehow already half-built. “We get to ‘respect’ the island’s history while also bulldozing it in the name of economic growth. That’s balance.”

Meanwhile, commissioners celebrated the victory by congratulating themselves on “stimulating the local economy,” “supporting sensible growth,” and “barely pretending to listen.”

Back on the island, residents are preparing for the inevitable. “First it’s one high-rise,” muttered Capri native Dennis, shaking his head, “then next thing you know, we’ve got Uber drivers, electric scooters, and brunch menus with avocado toast.”

No word yet on when construction will begin, but officials assure locals that it will happen “as discreetly and respectfully as any jackhammer orchestra ever could.”