Marco Island Politely Declines to Build Tiny Fancy Islands in Its Canals

🧐🌴 Marco Island Politely Declines to Build Tiny Fancy Islands in Its Canals 🌴🧐
MARCO ISLAND, Fla. —

In a stunning display of civic restraint, raised eyebrows, and very polite skepticism, the Marco Island City Council has decided it will not be moving forward with a proposal to create adorable, artisanal, nitrogen-absorbing mini-islands in its canals. Yes, dear reader — the canals will, for now, remain tragically island-free.

🌊 A Brief Reminder of the Problem (Because Science)

Since 2019, the Florida Department of Environmental Protection has had Marco Island’s waters officially labeled as “impaired” — which is government-speak for “too much nitrogen, not enough vibes.” Elevated nitrogen levels are known to contribute to algae blooms and red tide, neither of which pairs well with sunsets, tourism brochures, or million-dollar waterfront homes.

🏗️ Enter: The Ambitious, Earthy, Slightly Bond-Villain-Sounding Plan

At the center of the debate was a public-private partnership proposal called the Coastal Habitat and Water Quality Initiative — or C-HAWQ, because nothing inspires confidence like an acronym that sounds like a startled seabird 🦅.

The plan, led by Earthwerks and Marco Island resident Dan Davies, suggested:

• 🧹 Scooping out polluted canal sediment

• 🏝️ Turning said muck into small, man-made islands

• 🌱 Planting them with mangroves, seagrass, and oyster reefs

• 🦪 Letting nature do the filtering while everyone applauds politely

In theory: elegant, eco-chic, and very grant-application-friendly.
In practice: Hmmmmm.

🏛️ The Council Reacts (Cue the Side-Eye)

During its Dec. 8 meeting, the City Council reviewed the proposal and ultimately decided to not advance it, opting instead for the time-honored governmental approach of “Let’s not.”

Concerns included effectiveness, cost, long-term maintenance, and that ever-popular question:

“Are we absolutely sure this won’t turn into an expensive science experiment we can see from our docks?”

💅 The Verdict

So, for now:

• ❌ No floating eco-islands

• ❌ No boutique mangrove archipelagos

• ❌ No oysters heroically battling nitrogen while tourists take selfies

Instead, Marco Island remains committed to addressing water quality issues in ways that involve fewer PowerPoint slides and fewer newly invented land masses.

🌴 Final Thought

The canals remain unimproved, the nitrogen remains unimpressed, and the mini-islands will have to live on — if anywhere — in the sacred realm of “Interesting Ideas We Didn’t Do.”

Stay tuned. In Marco Island, the water may be impaired, but the sarcasm is crystal clear. 😌🌊