Deputies Heroically Save USPS From 50 Xanax Pills, Briefly Shutting Down Civilization Near RSW

 

Deputies Heroically Save USPS From 50 Xanax Pills, Briefly Shutting Down Civilization Near RSW

FORT MYERS, Fla. — In what authorities are calling a textbook example of “Really? This Again?”, Lee County deputies intercepted a package filled with 50 Xanax pills outside the U.S. Postal Service processing center on Jetport Loop — because apparently even Southwest Florida’s mail now needs anti-anxiety medication.

The dramatic saga began around noon Wednesday, when the USPS facility briefly went into lockdown for nearly 30 minutes. A spokesperson clarified that the customer service entrance was closed “out of an abundance of caution,” which is corporate-speak for “we didn’t know what was happening, but better safe than sorry.”

“There was no threat to the facility, employees, or customers,” the spokesperson assured — which is exactly the kind of sentence you use only when everyone assumes that yes, actually, there was a threat.

Cryptocurrency? Of Course.

Sheriff Carmine Marceno revealed that USPS inspectors alerted LCSO and FDLE after employees suspected the parcel might contain narcotics — a suspicion that grew stronger once investigators realized the package had been paid for with cryptocurrency.

Nothing says “I am absolutely doing something normal and legal” like using digital currency made famous by tech bros and people on Reddit.

Marceno added that his team brought in a canine unit, which immediately detected narcotics because dogs, unlike humans, don’t require a warrant, a hunch, or a true-crime documentary to know what’s up.

Home Sweet Pharmacy

Once deputies secured search warrants for both the package and the suspect’s home, identified as Pesantas, the investigation escalated from “we might have a problem” to “oh wow, this is basically a Walgreens but without the rewards card.”

At the residence, deputies discovered:

• 260 alprazolam pills

• 28 clonazepam pills

• 19 clonidine hydrochloride pills

• 13 pantoprazole pills

Authorities did not confirm whether Pesantas handed out tiny paper cups and said, “These are the blue ones, take one at bedtime.”

Arrest Made at the Post Office Parking Lot — The Florida Way

Pesantas, in a bold strategy reminiscent of someone who truly believes nothing bad ever happens to them, showed up to the post office to pick up the box. Deputies and FDLE agents were waiting, presumably shaking their heads like parents at a school talent show mishap.

At the time of arrest, deputies said Pesantas already had narcotics on him — because consistency is important.

Not His First Suspicious Delivery Rodeo

Sheriff Marceno noted that Pesantas had previously received “several packages under similar suspicious circumstances,” which raises the question: at what point did he think USPS wasn’t going to notice?

Pesantas is now facing two counts of possession of a controlled substance and two counts of possession of a new legend drug — and, one assumes, a lifetime ban from sending anything heavier than a postcard.

The investigation remains ongoing, though authorities say there is no current threat to the public, the postal service, or society’s collective supply of bubble mailers.