☕️ Naples Pier: A Masterclass in Perpetual Motion (and Bureaucracy)

The Stunning, Slow-Motion Saga of a Wooden Plank, Reimagined… Again.

Oh, Naples. Sweet, sophisticated Naples. A place where the biggest emergency is deciding which $15 artisanal avocado toast to Instagram. Naturally, when a truly common event—like, say, a hurricane wiping out your beloved 1888 landmark for the sixth time since 1910—occurs, the response must be equally… grand.

Forget simply rebuilding the pier. That would be uncivilized. We are talking about the Naples Pier, darling. An annual destination for over one million souls desperate to socialize, view wildlife, and engage in the highest form of Gulf Coast exertion: fishing 🎣.1 Therefore, its resurrection cannot be rushed. It must be a years-long performance art piece titled: “The Triumphant Return of Decking, Eventually.”

🧐 Phase I: The Existential Crisis (Sept 2022 – Nov 2022)

Hurricane Ian dared to commit the ultimate faux pas: knocking 460 feet of our precious lumber into the sea 🌊, including the shelter and, gasp, the concession stand!

The immediate response?

• Sept 28, 2022: Pier is decimated.

• Nov 9, 2022: A “limited small area” re-opens.

Yes, folks. A tiny, usable sliver of pier—likely just enough room for two people to exchange passive-aggressive remarks about traffic—was opened within six weeks. Why? Because the tragedy of not having a place to stand over water simply could not be tolerated by the public for a moment longer. The engineers bravely declared: “You may now fish… near the beach!” 👏

🖋️ Phase II: The Design Renaissance (Jan 2023 – Oct 2024)

Once the initial shock wore off (which, let’s be generous, took four months), the City Council confirmed the necessary decision: Rebuild the entire pier. Of course we must rebuild the entire structure. Why patch something when you can engage Turrell, Hall & Associates (THA) and MHK Architecture for a full-scale creative collaboration?

This wasn’t just about putting pilings back. This was about creating a “landmark structure with unique architectural features.” Think of the pilings! They will be thicker! The elevation will be three feet higher! We’re not just building a pier; we’re commissioning a post-disaster, post-modern triumph of engineering designed to withstand the next inevitabledisaster 🌪️.

The design timeline, a testament to refined deliberation:

• January 2023: RFP posted.

• April 2023: Design team approved.

• October 2023: 90% plans approved. (Because 100% on the first try would lack dramatic tension.)

• March 2024: Construction bids opened.

In short, it took a year and a half to design a more resilient, slightly taller, slightly thicker piece of wood platform over water. Clearly, great art takes time, and this, my friends, is performance architecture.

🏛️ Phase III: The Federal Gauntlet (Feb 2023 – Today)

And now, the real enemy. Not the waves, not the wind, but the glorious, sprawling, and necessary Bureaucracy 🐌.

The City of Naples is a model of proactive organization. They submitted everything—to FEMA, to the USACE, to the FWS, and the NMFS. But you see, our poor pier must now stand trial under the most critical of legal statutes: The Endangered Species Act!

• Feb 2025: FEMA confirms they have all the info. (A mere two years after the initial filing).

• April 2025: Oh, wait! The City must submit supplemental Biological Assessment information. Because a turtle 🐢 might be slightly inconvenienced by the return of its favorite snack stand.

• August 2025: The project gets punted from the USACE to the US Fish and Wildlife Service. Because why have one agency decide when you can have two?

It’s truly heartwarming to know that the fate of a $23.5 million public fishing platform is resting on a meticulous, multi-agency review of potential impact on creatures that probably don’t even like fishing 🐡.

⏳ The Glorious Conclusion

Finally, on the highly anticipated date of October 10, 2025 (a meager three years and 12 days after the pier was rendered obsolete), the final permit will arrive!

The construction company, Shoreline Foundation Inc., will then require a mere 18 months to execute the vision. So, around April 2027, a full four-and-a-half years after Ian, Naples will once again have a slightly raised, slightly thicker, and infinitely more architecturally complex pier.

We didn’t just rebuild a pier. We created a process. A sprawling, magnificent testament to administrative patience and the conviction that no detail is too small, no approval too prolonged, and no tourist too inconvenienced to stand in the way of peak modern resiliency and compliance.

Truly, it’s inspiring. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to file a permit to build a sandcastle. 💅