💡 Let There Be Light! — Duck Key Homeowner Declares War on Darkness, Wallet Be Damned
“Jasmine House” Now Visible from the ISS, Thanks to 200+ Outdoor Light Fixtures

DUCK KEY, FL — Because nothing says coastal restraint quite like turning your oceanfront home into a scene from Blade Runner, the owners of “Jasmine House,” a modern architectural flex nestled on Duck Key, have installed a mere 200+ outdoor lighting fixtures. Yes, that's two hundred. For the outside.

In a bold move that redefines the phrase “bright idea,” this high-end renovation project has accomplished what the moon could not—make night completely optional in the Middle Keys.

Residents report that nocturnal wildlife have started wearing sunglasses and GPS satellites are now using “Jasmine House” as a primary reference point. Astronomers across the Keys have petitioned to rename it the Duck Key Aurora. And one neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, muttered, “It’s like living next to a beachfront prison. But classier. With better landscaping.”

The fixtures—rumored to include soft uplighting, underwater LED glow halos, chandeliered tiki torches, and at least one Beyoncé-grade spotlight—allegedly cost more than the average Florida Keys wedding. But it’s all in the name of “visual peace of mind,” a phrase the homeowner reportedly coined while sipping lavender spritzers and comparing Edison bulbs on Pinterest.

Naturally, the lighting is “eco-conscious,” meaning the fixtures are technically energy efficient—though you’d still need a second mortgage to pay the electric bill. Sources suggest the house’s meter now spins fast enough to qualify as a wind turbine.

Meanwhile, the rest of Duck Key is… adjusting. Local pelicans are confused. Sleep schedules are disrupted. And one resident’s solar panels actually reversed polarity out of spite.

In a statement no one asked for, the homeowner said:

“We wanted something timeless. Something that says: ‘This house is here, it’s important, and also, please admire my cabana palm at 3 AM.’”

And admire they shall. Whether by kayak, drone, or passing aircraft.

Next up: Rumors swirl of a matching underwater lighting scheme to give passing manatees something “inspirational to gaze upon.” Because even sea cows deserve ambiance.