🦞 The Great Lobster Liberation Front Foiled in Florida Keys
Three Davie Men Heroically Attempt to Spear Their Way Into a Crustacean Crime Hall of Fame

ISLAMORADA, FL — In what some are calling the heist of the century—and by “some” we mean absolutely no one—three fearless seafood enthusiasts from Davie were apprehended after a highly sophisticated operation involving spear guns, over 50 spiny lobsters, and a complete disregard for Florida wildlife law.

The three men, described by authorities as “determined, but not exactly Mensa material,” were busted by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) for going full Aquatic Rambo during a time when lobster season was still legally taking a nap. The trio’s brilliant plan? Collect a buffet’s worth of spiny lobsters out of season—and spice things up by using spear guns, a method that's as illegal as it is unnecessary.

Clearly, these guys watched Finding Nemo once and thought, “You know what this needs? More weapons.”

In total, the FWC officers filed 37 misdemeanor charges against the group, including violations of both lobster and stone crab harvesting regulations. Because why break one law when you can break thirty-seven and really make a name for yourself?

Sources close to no one report that the suspects were surprised to learn that “because we were hungry” is not an admissible legal defense in Monroe County court. One of the men allegedly asked if he could "just Venmo the fine and keep the tails."

Community response has ranged from mild amusement to aggressively shaking heads over beers at the Lorelei. Said one long-time local, “It’s people like this that make me miss the days when our biggest scandal was a tourist putting ketchup on conch fritters.”

The illegally harvested lobsters—clearly innocent in all this—were reportedly returned to the sea in a dramatic release ceremony that may or may not have included Enya playing in the background.

In closing, let this be a lesson to future seafood vigilantes: If you're going to illegally raid the reefs of the Florida Keys, at least do it with some style, a solid understanding of marine law, and maybe—just maybe—a calendar.

Next time you want lobster, try Publix. It's less jail-y.