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TAVERNIER, FL — In what might be the least shocking plot twist since someone used turn signals in Miami-Dade, a 40-year-old Tavernier man managed to turn a minor traffic tantrum into a full-blown multi-charge escapade worthy of its own Netflix docuseries—“Keys to Chaos: Road Rage & Regret.”

The incident began innocently enough (as all Florida news stories do) on the sun-baked lanes of U.S. 1, where honking and flipping the bird are part of the daily prayer. But this gentleman took it to the next level by reportedly flashing a loaded handgun during a roadside disagreement—because why just be angry when you can also be armed and felonious?

Naturally, authorities arrived faster than you can say "Key Lime DUI" and uncovered a little more than just a hot temper. During the arrest, police found a medley of illegal substances in the vehicle. And by “medley,” we mean a chemical charcuterie board of questionable decision-making: narcotics that likely required their own Google Translate to pronounce.

Sheriff’s deputies, who by now probably keep a bingo card of local criminal archetypes, weren’t surprised. “We’re just glad this one didn’t involve a jet ski chase or an iguana,” said one exhausted officer, wishing to remain anonymous but obviously wearing Crocs.

The suspect—known locally for his philosophical musings outside Winn-Dixie and his uniquely aggressive merging tactics—has now been charged with aggravated assault, possession of multiple controlled substances, and a complete lack of chill.

Court dates are pending, though his public defender is already rumored to be pitching the story as a Hulu Original titled “Rage Against the Lane Divider.”

Meanwhile, Tavernier residents are encouraged to breathe deeply, drive calmly, and remember that honking only works if it’s followed by interpretive dance or a bouquet of apology flowers.

More updates as the Florida Keys continue to provide plotlines that make Tiger King look like a BBC nature documentary.

Got road rage? Consider therapy, yoga, or turning your car stereo down from “Apocalypse Now.”