Local Hero Steals Lifesaving Devices from Parks — Because Who Needs Public Safety Anyway?
COLLIER COUNTY, FL — In a truly inspirational display of public service gone rogue, one man has taken it upon himself to remove Automated External Defibrillators (AEDs) from local parks — because, clearly, heart attacks should be more challenging.
Law enforcement officials confirmed that several AED units — the devices designed to restart human hearts — have mysteriously disappeared from public recreational areas across Collier County. Their alleged liberator? A man who apparently mistook “help your community” for “hoard lifesaving equipment like Pokémon cards.”
“We’re just impressed by the creativity,” said one baffled officer. “Most criminals go for the usual stuff — cash, electronics, catalytic converters. This guy looked at a public safety device and said, ‘Now that’s the jackpot.’”
Local officials are struggling to understand the motive. Was it a bizarre medical equipment fetish? A misguided attempt to launch an underground AED resale empire? Or perhaps he just really, really hates joggers.
“This is why we can’t have nice things,” said one frustrated resident. “First they took the good swings, now the defibrillators. What’s next — stealing the mulch?”
The parks department has begun the painful process of replacing the stolen devices — a process made easier by the fact that AEDs only cost a few thousand dollars apiece, and cities are obviously rolling in cash and free time.
Meanwhile, parkgoers are being advised to avoid cardiac events until further notice. “Try not to collapse near a tennis court,” a public health official said. “Your best shot might be hoping someone nearby remembers CPR from a 2003 training video.”
The accused thief is expected to face multiple charges, including grand theft and gross negligence — though we hear he might also qualify for a Darwin Award nomination.
Stay tuned as we follow this story of civic sabotage and life-saving larceny, in a county where, apparently, your heartbeat is now BYO.
Because nothing says "community spirit" like stealing the very thing that revives it.