📣 BREAKING: Florida Shockingly Decides Teen Drivers Should Know How to Drive
In an absolutely mind-blowing move that no one saw coming—especially not while swerving through I-75—Florida lawmakers have done the unthinkable: they now require 15-year-olds to take driver’s education before being handed the keys to 4,000-pound death machines. Gasp!
Yes, you heard that right. The Sunshine State, known for its pioneering contributions to alligator wrestling and retirement community golf-cart traffic jams, has suddenly decided that learning how to drive might actually be important beforeletting teenagers loose on public roads.
“This is outrageous,” said 15-year-old Chad B., who had big plans to parallel park a Ford Mustang directly into his neighbor’s pool this summer. “Next thing you know, they’ll want us to use turn signals or something.”
Critics of the new law have voiced serious concerns that this marks a dangerous precedent of expecting people to understand basic rules before engaging in hazardous activities. “Today it’s driving lessons,” one anonymous Florida man grumbled. “Tomorrow it’s instructions before using fireworks indoors.”
Under the law, teens must now complete a state-approved driver’s ed course before receiving their learner’s permit—thus ending the beloved Florida tradition of “winging it” at 60 mph. The law also threatens to give rise to such radical concepts as checking blind spots and understanding road signs that aren’t memes.
“I can’t believe I’m being forced to learn how to safely operate a car,” said teen TikTok personality @HotWheelsHannah. “This is literally, like, discrimination against influencers.”
Meanwhile, driver’s ed instructors across the state are dusting off VHS tapes titled “How To Not Crash Into Everything”, while parents everywhere are preparing to relive the unique thrill of slamming their invisible brake pedals from the passenger seat.
Local law enforcement has cautiously praised the law. “It’s a bold strategy,” one officer said. “Let’s see if knowing the rules makes people any less likely to treat the left lane like the Daytona 500.”
In totally unrelated news, Florida has also begun looking into wild ideas like “reading medication labels before taking pills” and “not texting while herding iguanas.”
Stay tuned as we monitor how this revolutionary concept—educating people before they do dangerous things—shakes the very foundation of Florida’s proud legacy of chaos.