BREAKING: Marco Island to Spend Mere $60 Million on Canal Dredging — Problem Solved Forever, Obviously
MARCO ISLAND, FL — In a move that has definitely not raised any eyebrows, Marco Island officials have unveiled a modest, barely noticeable, $60 million canal dredging plan — and if history has taught us anything, it’s that throwing tens of millions of dollars at a problem always works the first time.
Dubbed the "Let’s Fix the Water So Everything Else Disappears" initiative, the plan involves scooping out decades of gunk, muck, and the occasional sunken lawn chair from the island’s picturesque canal system. Proponents say it will improve water flow, boat access, and maybe even lead to spontaneous dolphin ballets. Critics, however, have the audacity to ask, "Wait, is this really necessary? And why does it cost more than a small moon base?"
“It’s a no-brainer,” said one city official while adjusting their platinum hardhat. “Once we remove all the sediment, all of our other problems—like flooding, water quality, and perhaps existential dread—will just magically go away.”
Residents are reportedly split on the issue. Some see it as a much-needed investment in infrastructure. Others, particularly those not named Rockefeller, question why canal sediment is being treated like it's made of caviar and moon dust.
“I’m just saying,” said local fisherman Bob Grizzle, “for $60 million, I could personally drain the canals with a straw and a Shop-Vac.”
Meanwhile, environmentalists are wringing their hands over potential impacts on marine life, especially the beloved Marco Island hermit crab community, which could be forced into emergency shell housing.
As the city prepares to dredge, one thing is clear: no one really knows if it’ll solve anything — but it will definitely leave a $60 million hole in the budget (and the seabed).
When asked if the project will prevent future sediment buildup, one consultant shrugged, “Well, water tends to move stuff. Forever. But this will buy us, like, a really clean year. Maybe two.”
So there you have it. The solution to all canal problems, courtesy of a project priced like a Super Bowl halftime show. But hey — at least the muck will be someone else’s problem in 2040.