BREAKING: Florida Heroically Saves Itself From Imminent Black Bear Takeover With Proposed Hunt

​In a truly courageous move that has left wildlife everywhere shaking in their fur, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) has given a preliminary green light to reintroduce black bear hunting — because apparently the best way to "manage" a species is to shoot it. Who knew?

Despite overwhelming opposition from scientists, conservationists, and, you know, people who like animals, Florida officials bravely stood their ground, signaling that nothing says “modern wildlife management” like bringing back a practice that hasn’t been seriously considered since dial-up internet.

"We're not just approving a hunt," clarified one official while polishing a pair of metaphorical hunting boots. "We’re protecting Florida from the ever-looming threat of... moderately sized, mostly shy omnivores occasionally rummaging through trash cans."

Indeed, the bears — known for their elusive nature and chronic shyness — have been reported gasp crossing roads, appearing in backyards, and other acts of unprovoked bear audacity. Some have even committed the heinous act of existing near gated communities, sending residents into mild inconveniences.

Critics, armed with annoying things like data and empathy, have pointed out that bear populations are still recovering from previous decimations and that human-bear conflicts are better resolved through, say, securing garbage and using common sense. But who needs nuance when you have bullets?

"Look, we’re not saying the hunt is necessary," said one FWC official off the record. "We’re just saying it’ll really spice up the fall outdoor recreation schedule. People are tired of just fishing and hiking."

Meanwhile, environmental groups have vowed to challenge the decision, apparently unaware that logic and ecological science are no match for nostalgia and camouflage.

Florida, long known for its measured and reasonable policies (especially those involving reptiles, hurricanes, and invasive species), has once again proven it’s not afraid to take bold, wildly unpopular steps toward solving problems that may not actually exist.