BREAKING: E-BIKE RIDERS URGED TO FOLLOW RULES, BECAUSE APPARENTLY GRAVITY STILL WORKS
In a shocking revelation that has stunned absolutely no one, the City of Marco Island has issued a stern yet oh-so-polite reminder that e-bikes, like their ancient, non-electrified cousins, must obey traffic laws and common sense.
Yes, apparently those sleek, battery-powered rockets disguised as bicycles are still subject to the laws of physics, friction, and city ordinances — even if the riders believe otherwise.
According to the city’s announcement (which we're sure e-bike daredevils will absolutely read), Florida law allows e-bikes to cruise anywhere traditional bikes go: roads, sidewalks, and multi-use paths. Translation: sidewalks are now a thrilling obstacle course of terrified pedestrians, startled dogs, and mildly annoyed retirees.
But don’t even think about bringing that two-wheeled electric menace into a Marco Island park. Per Ordinance 34-3(m)2 — a title as fun as a dead battery mid-ride — e-bikes, e-scooters, and e-skateboards are verboten in park areas unless manually operated. Yes, you may enter the park, but only if you're willing to power your 70-pound bike with the strength of your own legs. Think of it as CrossFit, but with more rules and fewer spectators.
Park officials say they’re cracking down not because they hate e-bikes, but because they love safety. And grass. And not having toddlers flattened by a man doing 28 mph on a carbon-fiber missile named “The Volt Viper 9000.”
“We just want people to enjoy the parks the old-fashioned way,” said one city official, presumably while adjusting their knee-high socks and reminiscing about 10-speed Schwinns. “Preferably slower, and with a little more sweat.”
Meanwhile, local e-bike enthusiasts remain defiant. “What’s the point of buying a $2,500 electric bike if I can’t zip through the park like a caffeinated hummingbird?” said one anonymous rider while adjusting their GoPro and dodging a stroller.
So remember, dear citizens and sun-seeking tourists: e-bikes are the future of transportation — just not in parks. There, it’s 1955 again. Bring your bike. Leave the motor. And for the love of all that is unbroken, wear a helmet. Not because the city said so, but because gravity absolutely will.
Stay safe, slow down, and may the sidewalks ever be in your favor.