BREAKING: Florida Panthers Just Need to Learn to Drive, Say Developers in Bold New Vision for Collier County

In a stunning display of progress (read: profit), Collier County has finally answered the age-old question: What should we do with thousands of acres of endangered panther habitat and legacy citrus groves? The answer, clearly, is more cul-de-sacs.

Yes, you heard it right — citrus is out, and concrete is in! Who needs oranges when you can have identical beige houses with vinyl siding and a five-car garage? Collier County is now sprinting toward a brighter, asphalt-paved future, with over 9,000 homes planned to sprout where groves once grew.

These developments, cheerfully dubbed “master-planned communities” (because “eco-apocalypse” doesn’t market as well), come courtesy of visionary developers like Alico, Inc., Collier Enterprises, and Cameratta Companies. These bold leaders have bravely decided that citrus greening disease and hurricanes are just so 2020s, and that the real sustainable path forward is to bulldoze nature and plant neighborhoods instead.

In a heartwarming twist, Alico, Inc. has pledged to preserve some land — a whopping 6,000 acres! You know, to balance out the 9,000-home explosion. It’s basically like throwing a bandaid at a volcano, but hey, at least they tried.

Meanwhile, environmentalists are up in arms, ranting about things like “biodiversity,” “wetlands,” and that one pesky state animal, the Florida panther. Apparently, turning their only habitat into an HOA-controlled paradise isn’t ideal for their survival. Who knew? Critics warn that traffic from these new neighborhoods might increase panther fatalities, but let’s be honest — the real problem is that panthers just haven’t adapted to modern life. Maybe they should consider scooters.

Cameratta’s proposed 10,000-home Kingston project in Lee County is also under fire, with studies estimating dozens of panthers could die during construction. But again — can we really stand in the way of progress because of a few wildcats? Surely there’s a middle ground between preserving life and installing 47 identical mini-malls. Right?

Supporters of the developments argue this is all about the greater good. "People need homes," they say, with the same energy as someone saying, "We need more Starbucks." Yes, because absolutely nothing screams rural charm like a CVS every four blocks and traffic jams in what used to be a swamp.

But let’s not be cynical. These developers are truly thinking of the community — especially the one they’re about to pave over. Think of the jobs! The taxes! The HOA fees! If the Florida panther could just sign a mortgage, we’d be golden.

In conclusion, as bulldozers warm up and surveyors stake out the future of Florida’s wilderness, let’s all raise a glass (of freshly squeezed tap water) to the brave new Collier County — where the only thing endangered is common sense.